The Whale Belly

There are many days when, despite having writing projects with clear goals and purposes, I’m at a loss of what to do. I seem to have lost my sense of purpose, or my belief in it, and I no longer feel the significance of my work. Thus I lose enthusiasm and drop my projects unfinished. Then I have to rearticulate what I’m trying to accomplish by writing, and I begin the cycle again.

When rearticulating these goals, I usually list my “noble” reasons, the ones that feel justifiable if presented to a jury. These include: the pursuit of clarity and understanding; a deeper comprehension of myself, others, and the world we inhabit; to initiate dialogues aimed at enhancing human life, which I believe necessitates adopting an ecological mindset; etc.

However, accompanying these lofty aspirations are my “less noble” reasons. These are my desires for recognition, acceptance, admiration – the yearnings that feel more instinctive, and surprisingly, more authentic to my being. Intriguingly, these primal desires feel more intrinsic than the nobler pursuits, which, at times, feel self-imposed.

Initially, I wanted to dismiss these “less noble” reasons and label them selfish and superficial. Indeed they often cause me undue worry about public perception, my worth as a human being, and whether I possess the talent or genius to create an impactful change in the world. Yet, to dismiss these motivations is to deny their existence – and suppressing them only makes them more elusive, inadvertently leading me down the path of self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

I’m starting to believe the solution lies not in denial but in acceptance. Embracing these aspects of myself could serve as a catalyst to better hone my “nobler” pursuits. Paradoxically, focusing on these “nobler” aspirations might even better fulfill my emotional need and desire for public acceptance.

The need for love, acceptance, and admiration is not an aberration but rather a common human yearning. It’s nothing that needs to be excised from one’s life. My aim is to live authentically, and achieving this requires acknowledging all facets of my being, not just those that are comfortable or morally acceptable. It’s about accepting that life is inherently messy, complex, and fraught with dilemmas – this is, after all, the human condition.

And so I’ve come to see myself as engaged in an ongoing negotiation with different aspects of myself, striving to live as authentically as possible. It’s about reconciling my raw, primal desires with my conscious, nobler pursuits, and understanding that this balance is not just necessary but integral to my journey as a writer. In the end, the authenticity I seek can only emerge from the coexistence of all these diverse motivations, and from embracing the anxiety that self-acceptance produces.